my freaking boobs….

so today i made a video for my accountability group for stretching…..

i didnt think about it, just did it when i got home from the gym. i didnt do my hair, i didnt do my makeup, and i knew i smelled, but my group needed it, so i did it.

none of that bothered me, looking like hell in a public video…. what bothered me

is my boobs.

or lack there of.

you can see my wrinkles very easily in the video. i am wearing a bra that has no padding. i wear push up bras most of the time, but i do wear regular ones every so often. while recording, i had no idea that my boob wrinkles were showing. which makes me wonder, are they showing in my every day life and i dont know?

i want a boob job.

but i also want to breast feed.

some women are able to breast feed after a lift. but, no doctor can guarantee the ability to breast feed after a lift.

i cant just do an implant because the dr says my skin is so loose that once he puts the implant under my muscle my skin would still droop and essentially i would have low nipples and a pocket of skin hanging below the implant. pretty much, a double boob.

i dont plan on having kids for 5+ years. the idea that these will be my boobs for at least 5 more years and then they will still be my boobs while pregnant, and breastfeeding at least 2 children… pretty much the soonest id get to have them done is in TEN FUCKING YEARS.

so i need to really thing about this. is it worth possibly depriving my future children of the best nutrients they will ever have access to, for vanity? but is it also worth having breasts that look like theyve aged 70 years too soon when i dont even know if i will ever even get to have a baby? what if i dont ever find a husband and i end up having to adopt children? i will have had these bullshit fucking tits for my entire young adult life for absolutely no reason? what if i DO have a baby and just cant breast feed? neither my mother or grandmother breast fed. my sister tried and it didnt work out for her first two because they were constantly getting thrush, and she was only able to successfully breast feed her third for about 3 months. so what if it doesnt even work out for me??

ohhhhh the struggle.