ok so, its time i admit something i really hate admitting, because its something i hoped would never happen, and was trying to deny was happening…..
my scale is ruining my life.
When i was almost 300lbs, i didnt give a shit about the scale. I didnt even use one for a few years. It didnt matter what the number was, i was fat, i knew it, case closed.
the scale became a very important part of my life when i started losing weight. the thing is, when youre almost 300lbs, you dont look any different when you lose 5lbs. As a smaller person (now) i can actually see the difference in a small loss. but as a big person, you cant. Not a single soul noticed i was losing weight ( i didnt tell people in the beginning, i was embarrassed and didnt want anyone waiting for me to fail) until i had lost more than 30lbs. So, imagine 30lbs of effort and seeing 0 results? no fucking way. the only way to know ITS WORKING when youre big, is to see the numbers. So i used a scale to see what i weighed, and i weighed in every week to make sure my efforts were working.
i always heard about people becoming scale obsessed, so i was aware and didnt think it would happen to me. i didnt hate myself on my “not so good” weeks . i rarely weighed myself more often than once a week. i had a pretty good relationship with the scale.
i noticed i was getting a little obsessed and weighing myself a couple times a week, and feeling bad about myself when the numbers fluctuated, as they WILL if youre weighing in several times a week. so, i decided i wasnt going to weigh myself for a month. i was going cold turkey.
i went the whole month.
today was the day day to weigh in. I had to for my most recent Diet Bet. I hadnt been dieting for the last month, but i was still eating very healthy, no more than 2 cheat meals a week, and exercising a minimum of 5 days. mind you, i am training for a marathon. i ran 40 miles last week alone.
and today i weighed in FIVE POUNDS HEAVIER than last month.
you should all know by now, i am a cry baby. so yea, i cried. i was pissed! normally when my weight goes up i know why. if im really honest with myself i can admit that i wasnt working out as much or i wasnt eating my best or following my plan. this time i WAS following my plan. WTF.
i had to go to the store for something else, and there were a ton of summer clothes on clearance. these white shorts with neon studs caught my eye. So cute. I have worn shorts once in my adult life. it was to the beach, and to make a point to my followers that you should wear whatever the fuck you feel good in no matter what others think. however, i didnt actually think i looked good or have any desire to wear the shorts. i thought i was just worried about what others thought, but the reality is, i dont like the way it looks either. i was embarrassed and self conscious. fuck the dreaded front wedgie (thick thigh ladies know what i am talking about)and fuck my weird, saggy, random fat deposit filled thighs. i am uncomfortable with how much they move when i walk, and i dont want to wonder if theyre being stared at. so i dont wear shorts.
i joke that once i have my thigh lift next month, i am never wearing pants again. so i thought what the hell, theyre on sale, let me get my first pair of shorts! they only had 2 sizes left, 12 and 7. i know a 12 is too big now, so theres no way it will fit after surgery. i am usually an 8/10 right now so i figured the 7 would fit post op.
when i got home, i decided to try them on just to see how close i was to fitting into them.
theyre not flattering, i wont wear them till i have my thighs done. but they fit. before skin removal, my body fits in a size SEVEN. i was a size 24.
i gained 5lbs this month. and i lost a pants size.
this is why the scale CANNOT run our lives. the scale is like an abusive boyfriend. sometimes it is so so so so sweet and shows us how much it loves us. makes us feel like were on top of the world, makes us feel good. and in the blink of an eye it can make us feel worthless, less than, like total shit. its not a true reflection of us, but we treat it like one, whatever it says, we believe.
now, im not in denial. i believe i am 5lbs heavier. im not trying to not believe facts, im saying i shouldnt believe that i am worthless, less than, or a piece of shit, because i gained 5lbs. i LOST A PANTS SIZE!!! i am in PERFECT HEALTH! i have NOTHING to be upset about. i set out to lose weight so i could be healthy and so i could buy clothes in any store. mission accomplished. so why am i over here crying because the scale says i am 5lbs more than last month? THE SCALE IS NOT MY FRIEND.
now before someone says it, dont come over here with that “muscle weighs more than fat” bullshit. a pound of feathers weighs the same as a pound of rocks. a pound is a pound. a pound of fat weighs the same as a pound of muscle. what youre trying to say is that muscle is more dense than fat. that means a pound of muscle takes up less space than a pound of fat. so it is possible to have gained muscle, gained weight and actually be smaller (by volume)than you were before. i think thats at least partially responsible for what has happened here.
i am physically and nutritionally training for a marathon right now. I am running like crazy as well as spending a little time with weights. i am definitely eating more calories than my norm, but theyre clean calories. nothing that should be making me feel like im doing it wrong, because of what the scale said. it makes sense that i would be more dense today than i was last month. i am running up to 20 miles at a time right now. im meeting all my fitness goals, and i went down a size. so what is it that im upset about?! there is nothing to be upset about. at this point. i really need to accept that it is nothing but a number and how I feel, look, and how my clothes fit should be where I measure my results. It’s just crazy because i have had ONE goal- to lose the weight- for the past three years. now that the losing part is done, i kinda dont know what to do. i know know what i am working toward. i think im just going to keep signing up for races after surgery and train hard for the race. if im not going to be on a weight loss kick, i need something healthy to fill that void with!
anyways, as i was saying… FUCK YOU TOO, SCALE!